There is nothing quite like the feeling of sheer awkwardness.
The sting of embarrassment you feel after you ask an un-pregnant woman when she is due. The shiver of uneasiness experienced when you overhear the heated dialogue between your coworker, and yesterday's dinner, in the bathroom stall to your left. The tingle of unrest that overcomes all that you have ever known to be true in life when you find out that your dad was that pregnant guy on Oprah.
Well, that’s a little awkward…
My boyfriend claims that he likes to put himself in awkward situations, just to see how it feels. I can only assume that this logic was how our relationship came into fruition.
I used to be a councellor at a Jewish summer camp growing up, and one year, a camper of mine thought it would be hilarious to pull down my pants in front of the whole camp, including the camp director. I'll admit, it was pretty awkward. But I learned to laugh about it in retrospect, because funny enough, her face bore a striking resemblance to my ass. Ass-face.
Sometimes I go out of my way to make others around me feel awkward. Sometimes- and I haven’t done it in a while, so thank you, Amy’s brain, for reminding me- but sometimes, I like to announce awkward things in the middle of the street when I am with my boyfriend. For example, “Is your asshole still bleeding?” That’s a good one, for sure, and it not only makes my target feel extremely awkward, but it explodes awkwardness on those in close enough proximity. If done effectively, you can even make yourself feel awkward.
I keep a picture of my dead cat, Hymie, as the background on my flip phone. I don’t know what’s more awkward- the dead cat picture, or that fact that I still have a flip phone.
My dad likes to make my mom feel awkward by telling strangers that he reads gas meters for a living.
My mom likes to make my dad feel awkward by making him wear paisley dress shirts.
My brother once used his ninja mind control skills to trick my friend into thinking he was drunk and proceeding to projectile vomit at a wedding reception. So awkward for all witnesses.
My brother used to be a cheerleader in high-school. How embarrassing is that?
I once went on a date with a little person. It was awkward because he was actually in that awkward in-between height, so I didn’t know if I should treat him like a real man, or lift him up in a high-chair for our lunch date. I chose the former, out of respect, but I couldn’t help but noticed that his feet dangled above the ground throughout the meal. So awkward. When we walked down the street together, I walked on the road, while he strolled along the curb, just to give him some vertical advantage. When I got hit by a parked car, I knew it wouldn't work.
The other day, while taking one of the most silently awkward cab rides home from downtown Toronto, a crazy lady leaped into the middle of the street in front of Mohammed, my taxi driver, and proceeded to diddle herself in the middle of rush hour traffic on Bathurst Street. Can you say AWKWARD?! I think I said something along the lines of “WHAT THE FUCK?”. Mo stayed silent, but I know what he was thinking. Infidel.
Awkwardness. Definitely a thing liked by me. And if you were smart, you would learn to enjoy it yourself. Take advantage of it. Out of all the uncomfortable feelings one can experience, awkwardness is definitely the best. I mean, who enjoys feeling 'Cramped'? 'Constipated'? 'Nervous'? 'Sweaty'?
Awkwardness is good because you can usually laugh about it later. First you cry, and then you laugh. And then maybe you cry again. But then once you get over yourself you’ll laugh again. And then you’ll write a blog about it. And nobody will care. And that will be sort of awkward.
