Cuba

Before I begin, I should clarify that while Cuba has made my “Things Liked By Me” list, I probably won’t go back there anytime soon. That being said. I like Cuba.

I must admit that prior to my departure to the land of filth and rummy, I had my doubts about the quality of my impending trip. I kept being told that Cuba was such a terrible place to go to, so I turned off the TV, and stopped listening to Khadr.

What a downer that guy is.

The reviews on tripadvisor assured me that as long as I have low expectations and am willing to settle for mediocrity, than I will have a good time in Cuba. That was right up my alley, so I booked the trip.

As the plane descended in Cuba (as an aside, that sentence would be considered dirty talk to the BF), I was shocked by all the lush vegitation in the country. It was beautiful and green, like Kermit, but silent and deadly, like a fart.

We landed in Cuba and everyone clapped because we didn’t crash (I’ve since decided to applaude myself every time I make contact with anything, ever. This blog is taking very long to write because I clap between each letter). Everyone clapped again when the flight attendant announced that there was a very special passenger on board sitting in seat 11F by the name of Lavi who just celebrated his birthday and got his pilots liscence. What a little liar. But you can read about that HERE.

Cuba was hot as hell, but I figured that I better get used to it. Not Cuban heat. Hell heat.

Listen up: forget about Cuban cigars and cuban rum --- Cuban humour is where it’s at.

I should have known that Cubans were characters before I even landed in Varadero- I mean, Fidel pretty much just pulled a huge “NOT!” on the entire civilized world. “I’m an evil man- NOT!”.

Pretty much.

Cuban men compare everything in Cuba to ‘the womans’.

‘The womans’, oft referred to simply as ‘women’ in English speaking countries, can be used to describe nearly each and every element of Cuban life.

The Sunwing representative on the way to the hotel informed us that, “The weather is like the womans- bery unpredictable!”, while our tour guide to Havana exclaimed that, “The ocean is like the womans- beautiful, but dangerous!”.

This Havana tour guide was FUNNY. He asked us if we have ever seen the Cuban Ferarri. The one with the sunroof? Seating for two? One horsepower? Then he pointed to the horse drawn carriage.

He also joked with us about the guns he keeps in his trunk, and the cemetary of dead, poor-tipping tourists of his.

Joker.

He took us to see his friend on the side of a road who owned a bar with two caged monkeys who drink beer, smoke cigars and dance. He also drove us through torrential downpour without working windsheild wipers and zero visibility. He took his hands off the steering wheel to wave at the camera.

The all-inclusive component of the resort provided us with quite the social commentary. All-inclusive resorts allow those around you to open up about the most private, intimate details of their lives, all under the influence of Mr. Pina and Mrs. Colada. I say ‘others’ because I am not stupid enough to tell people the shit that they told me. 

Also, my dad told me not to talk to strangers, and if I have to, then I should lie.

I had an old redneck man tell me that he was really good at 'the sex'. I threw up in my mouth a little.

I overheard an Italian man telling a women to leave her husband.

A girl telling a married man she was abandoned at the age of 5.

A man telling nobody to fuck off. The same man apologizing to nobody for his foul language.

Some lady started showing pictures of her children to my BF. The pictures were of cats and dogs.

There wasn't much to do on the resort at night, except drink and go to the disco. I participated in some of the nightly entertainment on the resort. To have a better understanding of what the nightly entertainment entailed, think about the nightly entertainment that you would see on a cruise, or at a dinner theater, and then show it to a child, and have him reteach it to a group of non-English speaking semi-talented adults, while blindfolded and earplugged. In one of the nightly entertainment shows, I had to dance like a Spanish whore and dry hump the stage. Technically I didn't win, but it was rigged from the start when they put me up against a Colombian. 

Cuban food is comprised of ham, ham and ham. Each meal was one seasoning away from having taste. I spent a week eating solidified air, but I didn't get constipated until about day 4, so that's pretty good. I ate a beef burger which was definitely made out of prisoners of war, and spicy chili sauce that was actually a squirt of fake ketchup. I ate a lot of beans, and sung the tune in my head each and every time I ate them. Cuban ice cream was pretty good, but I think it's fake ice cream. Bread was delish.

We bought some fake-real-fake-real-fake-real Cuban cigars from our waiter who asked us if there was "anything" we needed. Now I just need a place and 3 free hours to smoke one of them. 

Off to find it. 

Adios!

P.S. The #1 reason that the Cuba trip made it to my "Things Liked By Me" list was because of who I got to spend it with. Duh.