Heat

Don't patronize me for not being a more frequent blogger.

You see, I had a terrible incident a few months back which left the use of my fingers at only 46% of their normal, rambunctious capacity.

I was chopping Jalapenos, as I typically do at breakfast time, when all of a sudden, my hands un-literally caught on fire. True Story. It's called "Jalapeno Hands" and it happened to gtrekker2003 and thousands of other poor, unfortunate e-souls. I was advised by fellow hacker dylafleur to wash my hands with bleach, and avoid touching my private areas and eyes. 1 out of 2 is good enough.

Needless to say I have an immaculately clean flytrap.

Short story long, I couldn't type until my fingers finally regained consciousness this morning.
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Moving along from one type of heat, to another, Toronto is experiencing something fierce, and in turn, I have come to realize that my teeth are in fact capable of sweating. My laundry basket smells like foot and hot dog burps that have begun to rot and grow skin tags.

I have tried numerous times to turn myself inside-out, but I only end up doing something that resembles hardcore porn. The first time it was fun, but now I'm just sore.

Homemade air conditioners DO NOT WORK. The only thing that gets cold in the room is my boyfriend's dead body after I throw the homemade unit at his face. Just kidding. It's too hot to exert myself like that. I just thought about it.

Yesterday we got a real AC unit. I was so excited I wanted to eat the whole thing. That's what I do when I am excited. It's works OK, but I will settle for half decent. Taste of my own medicine. What?

Anyways, it's hot as hell, but since I'll never go there, I figure I might as well appreciate it as much as possible- especially now that I am at my prime.

I'm not going to complain, because complaining is for pussies. My cat used to always complain. That's why he ended up in my backyard. Just kidding. Dad, I'm sorry to bring that up. He's fluffy in heaven now.

The point of this note is to say that I realize it is hot (only because Facebook status' informed me of the heat- otherwise I would have had no clue) but enjoy it.

It is so hideously cold for most of the year. Enjoy the sweaty armpit in your mouth on the subway. Enjoy the heat-induced headaches, and the lack of sexual activity because the thought of skin touching your body makes you want to vomit.

Enjoy it, because it won't last. Really. Give it a month.

:(

Soul Searching

Please, baby.
Give me one more chance.
Let me explain.
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The New Year came and went just like the cheap whore I knew it would be.

Something happened back in January, that nobody speaks of anymore, but will forever leave a burning flesh wound in my soul. A patch of burning soul. Soul patch. Flavour saver, if you will.

"I've got a name for that, but I'll tell you it later"--- Dad (to all male friends, and my female friend with a beard)

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Back to my bullshit excuse for not blogging:

It was a calm, January evening.
I go onto Facebook and everyone is talking horoscopes.
"Losers", thought I.
But it kept happening. People posting status' like "I'm a Leo!", or "Bye Bye Scorpio".
I thought that it all had something to do with Jersey Shore, but I was wrong.
One quick online search and it all became clear. I have been living a lie.

One day, I'm a wild, erratic, unpredictable, extroverted GEMINI, and the next day, I'm a TAURUS.

I was scared, naked and alone. Worse than the time I was naked, alone and scared, because that happens at least 2/3 of my shower times (1/3 of the time I wear my Burkini).

I googled Taurus to learn more about my future.

I quickly learned that it would never work. I could never be a Taurus.
For starters, I'm a Jew, and Ford hated Jews.

As a lifelong horoscope denier, it made me feel awkward to be taking any of this nonsense seriously, but I couldn't help myself. The planet shifts a little, and I'm expected to believe that all of a sudden I'm supposed to be a patient, warmhearted, pleasurable Taurus?

In an attempt to revolt against this absurdity, I locked myself in my room and grew my fingernails really long and curly.

After about a month of rocking back and forward, and making-out with the inside of my elbow, I decided to give in to the power at be, and become a Taurus.

I went to as many doctors as possible, to be their patient. I poured scolding hot water on my chest to warm my heart. I pleasured strangers on the subway.

Patience- check.
Warmhearted- check.
Pleasurable- check.

All these Taurusy tasks, but nothing worked.

I was a Gemini prancing around as a Taurus, and it was more uncomfortable than sand in your bathing suit. And crabs. And pulling off a real-life 'Weekend at Bernies'.

My hiatus from blogging was a direct consequence of my pursuit of taurusnicity. It wasn't until I fell on my elbow and hit my funny-bone, that I realized I still had it in me, and that no amount of earth's tilt can change that.

I'm sorry for leaving you all blogless for so long.

I hope I don't do it again, but now that I am a Taurus, I am resentful, self-indulgent and greedy, so you can never be too sure!