Soul Searching

Please, baby.
Give me one more chance.
Let me explain.
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The New Year came and went just like the cheap whore I knew it would be.

Something happened back in January, that nobody speaks of anymore, but will forever leave a burning flesh wound in my soul. A patch of burning soul. Soul patch. Flavour saver, if you will.

"I've got a name for that, but I'll tell you it later"--- Dad (to all male friends, and my female friend with a beard)

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Back to my bullshit excuse for not blogging:

It was a calm, January evening.
I go onto Facebook and everyone is talking horoscopes.
"Losers", thought I.
But it kept happening. People posting status' like "I'm a Leo!", or "Bye Bye Scorpio".
I thought that it all had something to do with Jersey Shore, but I was wrong.
One quick online search and it all became clear. I have been living a lie.

One day, I'm a wild, erratic, unpredictable, extroverted GEMINI, and the next day, I'm a TAURUS.

I was scared, naked and alone. Worse than the time I was naked, alone and scared, because that happens at least 2/3 of my shower times (1/3 of the time I wear my Burkini).

I googled Taurus to learn more about my future.

I quickly learned that it would never work. I could never be a Taurus.
For starters, I'm a Jew, and Ford hated Jews.

As a lifelong horoscope denier, it made me feel awkward to be taking any of this nonsense seriously, but I couldn't help myself. The planet shifts a little, and I'm expected to believe that all of a sudden I'm supposed to be a patient, warmhearted, pleasurable Taurus?

In an attempt to revolt against this absurdity, I locked myself in my room and grew my fingernails really long and curly.

After about a month of rocking back and forward, and making-out with the inside of my elbow, I decided to give in to the power at be, and become a Taurus.

I went to as many doctors as possible, to be their patient. I poured scolding hot water on my chest to warm my heart. I pleasured strangers on the subway.

Patience- check.
Warmhearted- check.
Pleasurable- check.

All these Taurusy tasks, but nothing worked.

I was a Gemini prancing around as a Taurus, and it was more uncomfortable than sand in your bathing suit. And crabs. And pulling off a real-life 'Weekend at Bernies'.

My hiatus from blogging was a direct consequence of my pursuit of taurusnicity. It wasn't until I fell on my elbow and hit my funny-bone, that I realized I still had it in me, and that no amount of earth's tilt can change that.

I'm sorry for leaving you all blogless for so long.

I hope I don't do it again, but now that I am a Taurus, I am resentful, self-indulgent and greedy, so you can never be too sure!